10 Reasons I Think My Samsung Galaxy S Was Manufactured On An Ancient Indian Burial Ground

Based on all of the scientific data I could gather, I think my Samsung Galaxy S was manufactured in a plant built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Here are some of the features that weren’t mentioned on the box:

burning cell phone because it's evil and I hate it

1) Two to three times a day, it’ll freeze and I have to pop the battery out. When I start the phone back up, it notifies me that the battery is almost dead — even if the phone was just removed from the charger minutes before it froze.

2) It often takes three tries to open a text message because the texting program crashes and returns me to the home screen.

3) Sometimes, when I receive a text message, the phone will freeze, requiring me to remove the battery.

4) From time to time, the phone will ring but nothing will show up on the screen, so I have to swipe down to get to the notifications center where I will find my call already on hold.

5) Clicking on a news story in the news headline app often results in a blank, white page.

6) Randomly turns off. Sometimes it starts up again all on its own, other times it does not.

7) Even when I have a good signal, the phone often fails to dial when I try to make a phone call — the original purpose of owning a phone.

8) When I go to dial a phone number that isn’t already in my address book, I have to enter it in less than ten seconds or the app crashes and sends me back to the home screen. It’s like a game! That I hate.

9) Often, when I try to select a contact in my address book to call or text, the address book will crash and return me to the home screen.

10) When set to “vibrate,” the phone doesn’t do anything when a message or call is received. My old phone, a flip phone from before the days of smart phones, vibrated so strongly that I still had phantom sensations of receiving calls for the first year after it vanished at an amusement park in Ohio, kind of like how someone who loses a limb might still feel their fingers or toes moving.

BONUS FEATURE!
Today my phone started rebooting randomly during a phone call.

Of course, because I’ve had so much trouble with this particular phone, you can bet on the fact that several of my friends and family have had this model and loved it. Raved about it. Proposed marriage to it.

Normally, this situation is reversed, with me trying to help someone with a piece of technology that has never given me a single problem yet has turned mysteriously evil on them, so I guess I was due for this to happen.

Needless to say, I cannot recommend my phone to anyone except maybe for a friendly neighborhood exorcist.

11 thoughts on “10 Reasons I Think My Samsung Galaxy S Was Manufactured On An Ancient Indian Burial Ground”

  1. Brian you know I am going to have to disagree with you on number 7. You did say original reason so I’ll give you that. Reasons for owning a phone(smart phone of course)

    1) to ensure you get all of your cemetery dance emails immediately via push email.

    2) facebook and other social networks, the new way to keep in touch without actually talking to people you don’t necessarily want to talk to.

    3) texting to keep up with the people you actually do want to talk to

    4) the highly unused phone portion of your actual phone is simply there in case someone dies or is seriously injured and you need to be notified; because under no circumstances should this be done via text or Facebook although I have been notified this way in the past.

  2. The answer is simple. You need to bury it in said Indian burial ground. If it comes backto you, name it Churchill and it will be yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.

  3. Probably made the same day at the same plant as our TV! We won’t buy another Samsung product, especially another TV. Ours forgets where it’s getting the feed and we get the dreaded snow screen. We have to turn it off and back on, and tell it where to get the feed. And it is forever blocking the screen with it’s advertisements. We were able to clear it once, but it came back.

    1. I bet if my phone and your TV were in the same room, it would open some kind of black hole that would destroy the world. OR they would work just fine, having finally found their long lost (and defective) friend!

  4. I liked your mention of an amusement park in Ohio, but you did not mention which one. Outside of Cedar Point the other park I would choose would be a defunct park in Youngstown which had a great rib cracking roller coaster.

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